I saw Grindhouse (April 14). My inner 14-year-old boy loved it to pieces.

(Adult me wished it were a little shorter than 3.25 hours, because my eyes were turning to sandpaper toward the end.)

Grindhouse is Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's pretend double feature of violent chick-sploitation 60s and 70s films, like ones that would have been shown in a "grindhouse" -- a term for sleazy run-down movie theaters that show nonstop cheap thrills. No, I didn't know the term. In fact, I almost suspect Mssrs. Tarantino and Rodriguez of making it up, then pretending that of course it's an old term, back in the 70s everyone knew that term, didn't you grow up in the 70s like us?

"Planet Terror," by Rodriguez, is the first part of the double feature. It's a zombie movie, sort of. The fact that the mysterious glowing green secret government gas reanimates the dead doesn't seem nearly as important as the fact that it causes the living and the dead alike to start pustulating horribly. Flesh melts. Goo explodes. It's the gooiest zombie movie since Dead Alive -- in fact, I think it might be the gooiest movie ever. There's no point where anybody sitting in the theater is going to think, "you know, this could be gooier." It also has the memorable image of Rose McGowan mowing down zombies with a prosthetic machine-gun leg, which no 70s movie could have managed, effects-wise, but you know they totally would have done it if they could have. It's tempting to call "Terror" a "parody" but it's not really mocking its own absurdity -- it's glorying in it. It's full of bizarre, hilarious moments that manage to be oddly touching as well.

"Death Proof" (by Tarantino, with a brief flash of spliced film indicating that it used to be called something else) is a car chase revenge movie with quasi-feminist overtones. It is also the first genuinely exciting car chase I have seen in ages. This is because it looks real. It feels real. It's two actual cars ramming each other at high speeds. One of the stars, Zoe Bell, is an actual stuntwoman, who is obviously doing her own actual stunts, and they are thrilling.

Plus, there are a few hilarious fake previews, and some awesome period typesetting and graphic design. The movies have surfacing to make them seem like battered old prints, scratches and missing reels, used to hilarious effect -- in both movies, it's the sexy scene that's missing. This is not only a tease to the audience, but a reference to the well-known practice of frustrated and less ethical employees taking home bits of the movie for themselves.

Neither story is actually a period piece -- people use cell phones, "Terror" references the Iraq war, and at one point the dueling classic cars in "Death Proof" go bursting onto a modern highway full of glossy, bulbous, sedate-looking modern cars. The vintage experience goes deeper -- everything in Grindhouse -- dialog, makeup, lighting, sound, editing -- has a "hey, they don't make movies like that anymore" feel. This isn't just a homage to the movies the directors loved as kids. It's a recreation of the things that were in those grindhouse flicks that are missing in modern filmmaking. Both segments manage an unapologetic gritty urgency that make other modern thrillers seem hollow and calculating.

I saw Hot Fuzz (April 21), and all parts of me loved it. Created by the brilliant team that brought you Shaun of the Dead (Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright) Hot Fuzz is every bit as hilarious and delightful as Shaun. If there's a drawback, it's only that I love zombie movies, and don't care much about action cop movies. But, everyone else seems to feel the same way (reviewers, and my friends) and we all loved it, so, you will probably love it if you loved Shaun. And if you didn't love Shaun, there's probably no hope for you, but see Hot Fuzz anyway just to find out if your sense of humor is broken.

The premise: hot shot good-guy cop (Pegg) is making the rest of the force look bad, so he is promoted to serve in "England's safest village." "Safest" in terms of crime, that is, and it turns out -- well, not everything is quite as it would appear. So, the movie starts as a fish-out-of-water comedy, which turns into a mystery, which turns into an all-out guns blazing finale. Like Shaun, it actually is the kind of movie it is having fun with. So, underneath the jokes and absurdity, there are real characters, and an interesting story.

The first three volumes of this series were given to me at a party by MikeK when he was trying to cull his paperback collection. I forgot them (honest!). Then, the last time I went to Mike's for a party, they magically appeared in my bag when I got home. Clearly, God (or possibly just MikeK) wants me to read these books. Or at least have them. God and MikeK both work in mysterious ways.
Clearly, the only thing to do with these books is dissect them, much as Slacktivist has been dissecting the regular Left Behind series. It works out perfectly, since I'm impatient and immature.

We are going to the Jazz and Heritage Festival this year. Unfortunately, we are going the second weekend. Our friend Rusty is going to be there the first weekend-- not for the festival but as part of a work training thing. This is the info that we sent him as kind of a New Orleans primer.

The most useful thing we found while we were in Nola in 2006 was the "Quarter Crawl" pocket guide. They publish a little pocket-program every two weeks that you can get at your hotel -- it has a really complete listing about what is open and what's going on. So, one thing you can do is compare older listings about what's cool in New Orleans (from your used Lonely Planet or whatever) and see what's still open in QuarterCrawl.

The three main touristy areas of Nola (Paul insists on calling it N'Awlins) are: French Quarter, Marigny, and Garden District. The French Quarter is where every frat boy in America goes to party. It is 48 city blocks bounded by Canal St., Water St., Esplanade, and Rampart St. Every block is cool, from an architectural standpoint if for no other reason.

Marigny is where people who actually live in New Orleans go to party. It is right next to the Quarter -- on the other side of Esplanade. Both are an amazing concentration of food, booze, music, and scantily-clad women. You can pretty much just wander down the street and stop to do whatever takes your fancy, and have a good time.

The Garden District has beautiful, beautiful homes. So you want to go there during the day. Maybe take a walking tour. The inspiration for The Witching Hour by Anne Rice is a house in the Garden District. (There's a picture of the house here.)

If you like cigars, buy one at the Cigar Factory. They actually roll 'em there, and, a cigar smells better than Bourbon Street.

Our favorite bar is Jean Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop, which is at, I think, Bourbon and Dumaine. It's the oldest, and possibly darkest, bar in North America. (Built 1772-ish)

New Orleans has touristy places with a silly retro 50s vibe that I find rather charming. Pat O'Brien's is probaably the most entertaining. Their courtyard has a fountain that's on fire, which is the sort of thing drunk people find very amusing. The building is a maze of five different historic bars, each one with a slightly different atmosphere. But don't have more than one of their giant hurricanes. They will give you the worst hangover you have ever had.

Bourbon Street has a very definite shift in tone as you head from Canal to Esplanade. The Canal section has all the places with woo-hooing frat boys and neon lights. It gets darker and less frat-oriented as you head toward Esplanade. Jean Lafitte's is in this darker section. The first time I was in New Orleans I thought it was fun just wandering from one end of Bourbon Street to the other. There's a lot of great music just sort of -- you know, happening. And street theater, of course. And architecture. And drunk girls flashing for beads. And gay boys gyrating in the windows. And I find wandering down the middle of the street with a drink is kind of entertaining all by itself.

If you like seafood, Louisiana seafood is the best in the world. Paul and I love Acme Oyster House. Diner-style food and prices, but very well done. And they have the best raw oysters available anywhere.

We loved our food at Arnaud's Remoulade, the lower-priced offshoot of Arnaud's restaurant. I had seafood gumbo. I'm planning to get it again. It was that good.

The Court of Two Sisters has a fabulous, but fairly pricy, brunch buffet. It's worth it, though. About $25 last year for all the boiled shrimp and crawfish you can eat. (For a contrast, I had the "breakfast buffet" at the Doubltree during Norwescon last weekend -- it was $15 for barely acceptable potatoes, industrial scrambled eggs, bacon and sausage, a few juices, uninspired pastries, and indifferent oatmeal. I was kind of shocked they could charge $15 for that without cringing in embarrassment. The experience annoyed me so much that I refused to go back to the restaurant for anything the rest of the weekend.)

I liked everything I tried at Two Sisters except the "ceviche." I think they made it with vinegar instead of lime juice. If you go, sit in the courtyard. The courtyard is really, really nice.

The Quarter Master, 1100 Bourbon Street, has great and pretty cheap deli food after other restaurants close. The French Market is like a mini-version of Pike Place Market (no flying fish). That's where you will find Cafe du Monde, which has a very limited menu of coffee and beignets (a cheap hit of sugar and caffeine) and the cafe is a fun place to people-watch. Beignets are one of very few doughnuts I like. When I heard people raving about Krispy Kremes, I pictured something like beignets, and was very disappointed by the actual item.They are covered in powdered sugar. If you wear black while you eat them, be prepared to be covered in powdered sugar.

The coffee in New Orleans is French, rather than Italian, in influence. So, I don't like it was well as Seattle coffee (which is more Italian) but it is better than a lot of places in the country.

If you like olives and Italian deli meats, go to Nor-Joe Import Co at 505 Frisco Ave off Metairie Ave. Get a muffuletta. Share it with three other people. Heck, get whatever you want there. I love Nor-Joe.

If you do go all the way out to Nor-Joe, go to the Metairie Cemetery. It is the most fabulous cemetery in North America. (Okay, I haven't been to every cemetery in North America. But I've been to a lot of them, and I'm pretty sure this is the best.)

(Interesting side note: the film Easy Rider played fast and loose with the St. Louis #1 cemetery, which offended people who recognized their family crypts being, uh, trifled with. So, Interview with the Vampire was filmed in Metairie Cemetery instead.)

Speaking of cemeteries, I think this is the cemetery/voodoo walking tour that Paul and I enjoyed: http://www.tourneworleans.com/cemetery_set.html

You can go to St. Louis #1 without the tour and it's still cool, but the tour gives all sorts of neat trivia, and also takes you to another must-see, Our Lady of Guadalupe Church. It is the home of the St. Jude Shrine, and also of St. Expedite, the most tenuous and suspect of all the sort-of maybe saints, and also the only supernatural entity which I am absolutely convinced is real.

We found the best t-shirts and general tourist swag at Toulouse Royale, 601 Royal Street.

Jackson Square and the St. Louis Cathedral (where George W. Bush rolled up his sleeves) are gorgeous, and there are street artists, galleries, and museums around there. (Plus, last time, a guy playing a hauntingly French accordion.)

Another thing we've actually done -- Canal Street Ferry, a free foot-passenger ferry to Algiers (across the river from New Orleans and home of Mardi Gras World), most recently blown up in the movie Deja-Vu.

There are also specifically post-Katrina tourist opportunities, such as this tour offered by Gray Line.

Last year we drove to a place called Violet (in St. Bernard Parish) and just wandered around looking at ruined stuff.

There's a tourist information place in Jackson Square where you can get free maps and all. When I was there in 2006, I overheard the nice ladies behind the counter giving Katrina info to some foreign tourists -- you know, drawing x's on a map where the levee breaches occurred.

Yeah, humans have morbid curiosity.

Let's see. New Orleans, like Las Vegas, exists in part to cater to the seedy underbelly of vice that always coexists with a quasi-puritan society like ours. So, if you want to gamble -- there's a Harrah's. If you want to get drunk, there's Bourbon Street. If you want to see nudity -- there's Bourbon Street. If you want to act like an idiot -- Bourbon Street. Cellphone camera shots of topless women -- oh, you know.

And don't forget Lucky Dogs, the cheap, great-if-you're-drunk hot dogs immortalized in the Pulitzer-Prize-winning novel A Confederacy of Dunces. (Hans made Paul read this book. It's hilarious, and really puts you in the mood for New Orleans. You can read it on the plane on your way there.)

While you're there, find out what's happening in Pulitzer-Prize-winning newspaper The Times-Picayune.

The Battle of New Orleans site in Chalmette was closed when we were there in 2006, but it might be open now. Paul enjoyed it in 2000. There's also a NASA facility in Chalmette where they assemble space shuttles.

Also, we like Abita beer and Zapp's Chips for first-rate local junk food.

Paul says, drive across Lake Ponchartrain. It is the longest bridge in the world.

Julie says, wake up before noon sometimes. You see cool stuff. Bring a camera. Or buy a disposable one at the A & P.

A few cautionary notes: When you are drunk, you are a target for scammers, pickpockets, and other tricksters. Remember this when you take money out of your wallet. Or invite people back to your room. Or whatever.

Don't park on the street in the French Quarter. Actually, just don't park on the street.

There's better things to do in New Orleans than be sick (ask Julie). There's better things to do in New Orleans than go to court (ask Paul).

If you go to a strip club, don't go to Hustler's. Same girls for a higher cover charge.

Oh, and, if cute girls try to sell you shots of alcohol that they put into their own mouths and then sort of tilt into your mouth -- don't buy more than one. They're more expensive than you think.