"The national anthem should be sung in English -- not Spanish -- President Bush declared Friday". Which I think is a remarkably stupid thing to say, given that it was in response to a Spanish language version of the national anthem released by a British music producer -- I mean, it's like saying there shouldn't be acoustic versions of David Bowie songs in Portuguese, and we just KNOW that's not true. But then Bush says something that I actually do agree with (it happens sometimes, almost randomly, the way a stopped clock is right twice a day).

"I think people who want to be citizens of this country ought to learn English," Bush said. And I agree.

What! (I can hear in my head the shocked, and appalled, reaction of the 70s liberal orthodoxy I vaguely remember from my youth.) You think that immigrants ought to learn English? What kind of a fascist are you?

An English language fascist, as anyone who's known me for a long time will attest.

Well, not really fascist -- exactly -- but I am fiercely partisan toward my native tongue. English is a wild, undisciplined, slutty language, and I love her without reservation, stupid nonsensical spelling rules and all. Since books are pretty much the earliest things in my life I remember being passionate about, you could say that English is my first love. And still my best love.

This does not mean that I dislike other languages. I love other languages. English does, too -- she is a strumpet. She is also a pirate. If another language has a word that expresses a useful concept, or has a nice sound to it, she will steal it. Boldly. With a cutlass if necessary.

English is also, kind of, psychotic. She invents things, just makes 'em up out of her head. Sometimes she breaks down completely, capable of nothing but babbling to herself in grotesque nightmare fragments of meaning. In spite of this, somehow, we feel we understand her. What self-respecting language would allow a book like Finnegan's Wake to become a literary classic?

So, English is a psychotic pirate whore. How could you not love a language like that?

Anyway, I don't think people worldwide ought to learn English just because I love it and already speak it. Although, I admit it is handy to be a native speaker of the current planetary lingua franca. (Heh. That's funny. Because the term "lingua franca" originally specifically referred to French, which was the lingua franca of Europe for a very long time.)

I think immigrants to the United States ought to learn English the same way that people moving to France ought to learn French.

I don't support political movements that seek to declare English the "official language" of a state, or the country, or whatever -- although the U.S. ENGLISH, Inc. people may be sincere in their belief that it will "expand opportunities for immigrants to learn and speak English" (perhaps by necessitating federal funding or something -- I don't know, and their mission statement doesn't explain it). The whole thing strikes me as misguided and beside the point and just a bit creepy. There are a lot of things that I think people ought to do -- it doesn't mean I want those things legislated from the highest levels of government.

(House Bill 23,343.5: The Federal Flossing Act.)

But I don't think it does immigrants, or anyone else, any favors for them to remain in a little expatriate bubble forever. Do you want to do well in school? You need to know English. Do you want to succeed in business? You need to know English. Want to understand the political process, current events, pop culture, your bank's loan policies? English. Sure, a lot of those things are also available in Spanish (if that's your language), but if you never learn English, you will always be getting a lesser, incomplete, afterthought version of the information. You will never read the Declaration of Independence, or the Bill of Rights, in their original language. And it is likely that you will always be a second-class citizen, easily exploited by those who prey on your isolation.

So, I think the US should welcome anybody who wants to become a citizen. But I think they ought to learn English when they come here.

Besides, English loves you. She is, as I mentioned, a woman of easily negotiated affection.