27 August 04
The world was stunned today by the president's announcement that his challenger is the Antichrist. While some dismissed it as more "dirty politics," others saw it as confirmation of what they've been saying all along.
"This just confirms what I've been saying all along," said Spinny Faulter, noted political commentator and swimsuit model. "When the president is such a Godly man, and appointed to office by God, it just stands to reason that his challenger must be nothing less than the earthly incarnation of Satan himself."
Others had a different reaction, most notably, members of the challenger's own political party. "This is the most absurd accusation yet," said Jiffy Swanson, female leader of the challenger's political party and noted for her lack of resemblence to a swimsuit model. "Previously the president has limited himself to lies about his challenger's record which we have been able to disprove using facts readily available to the public. But this isn't even -- how can you possibly prove that somebody is or is not the Antichrist? It's a religious belief."
Swanson's remarks drew fire from religious leaders, who denounced it as "typical of the challenger's atheistic political party, to deny the very existence of such a well-documented being as the Antichrist," according to People for the Christian American Way spokesman Rorshach Lambuster. "The overwhelming popularity of the Left in the Lurch series proves that." Left in the Lurch refers to a series of best-selling novels depicting prophesied End Times events, including the rise of the Antichrist.
The president's announcement, though controversial, is having an effect on the race. The challenger's poll ratings have dipped again, and many voters have even more doubts about the challenger than they did before. When asked by pollsters if they worry that the challenger might be the Antichrist, more than two-thirds said "yes" even though only a third of respondents self-identified as "millennialist Christian" on the same poll.
"It's definitely caused me to doubt my previous doubts about the president," said unemployed Silicon Valley web site developer Arcturu Boorman. "My economic situation has been rotten since the president took office, and I don't support his environmental policies, or his foreign policy, or his domestic agenda. But I don't know if I could vote for his challenger if he is the Antichrist. Even though I'm not that religious about most things, wow, the Antichrist, that's pretty heavy stuff."
According to Wrestle Pucklebit, spokesman for the challenger, the announcement is groundless.
"Clearly there's no truth to this accusation," Pucklebit said. "The challenger is a devout Catholic."
Father Daedilus Marzipan, a Jesuit scholar and bestselling author who actually supports the challenger, had this to say: "Most Catholics, and many other mainstream Christians, believe the Beast in Revelation that we commonly call the Antichrist is a reference to Nero, the corrupt Roman emperor associated with the rise of deification of the emperor and the beginning of the fall of the empire. We believe that prophecy was already fulfilled at the end of the age. So the assumption that there is an 'Antichrist' still to come is far from universal even among Christians."
Maverick overweight filmmaker Marcus Morovit urged readers of his web site not to "fall for this kind of garbage. I mean, think about it. If the challenger actually were the Antichrist, wouldn't he be destined to win the presidency anyway? If this is all prophecy, isn't it more reasonable to believe that the person sitting in the White House right now is the Antichrist?"
Faulter countered on her own web site. "It's so typical of these challenger-supporting, America-hating, atheist, ugly, stupid traitors to attempt to smear the president's character like that. If the president says that God told him that the challenger is the Antichrist, you can bet your life the challenger is the Antichrist."