Of course, we all wonder — will it be a repeat of election night 2004 ?
“The serious substance abuse began once it was clear that Bush was going to win. People who had been drinking soda began drinking beer. People who had been nursing beers began doing shots. People who had been slamming shots began banging their heads against the wall.”
Dan Savage
Look, you political guys, STOP FRACKING CALLING ME ON THE PHONE!!!!!! For the last time.
I know you're not, technically, engaged in phone solicitation, except that of course you are. Really. I will not vote for your candidate because you call me on the phone. It’s all I can do to not vote against your candidate or party just because of the phone call. I threatened the Blood Bank people that I would never donate another ounce if they didn’t stop calling me. And they’re the Blood Bank! The Blood Bank!
So, just, knock it off, all right?
Really, you don’t have to vote Republican just because you like like to go Elk hunting, or wear cowboy boots, or whatever.
I don’t know exactly why this is something that needs to be pointed out, but it seems like it does. Maybe it comes from a tendency people have to vote for the candidate they perceive as “their kind of people.” But perceptions can be flawed, based on superficial and even false perceptions.
In other words, wearing the boots doesn’t make you a cowboy.
Speaking of hunting, one of the best things I've ever read in The Stranger, “The Urban Hunt — a summer spent killing and eating Seattle’s small game.” It’s a well-written piece of first-hand journalism, and also, a fascinating topic. And has nothing to do with the election. Moving right along...
The evidence continues to mount for my contention that, virulent homophobes are all secretly gay. Especially if they are religioser-than-thou types like Ted Haggard. Sure, Mike Jones, the male hooker who claims he’s had a relationship with Mr. Haggard, could be lying. But the reasons Mr. Jones gives for coming forward at least ring true.
“Here’s a guy who put himself on a really high pedestal for millions and millions of followers, and he let them down. And his family... I could have blackmailed him. God, I could use the money. I could have blackmailed him; that would have been really easy to do. But I didn’t. So no, there’s no backing behind me at all. I came out on my own.“
In general, I think events of the past twenty years have shown us that hookers are more trustworthy than evangelists.
Anyway, Haggard is moving rapidly from complete denial to incomplete denial, where he will own up to unspecified acts of “sexual immorality,” so I expect a detailed confessional letter to Savage Love any day now.
So, I don’t know, John Kerry, former next President of the United States, said something that got the right wing posse all riled up, and this is supposed to, maybe, possibly, improve Republican chances tomorrow. What did he say, exactly? Oh, this, “You know education, if you make the most of it, and you study hard, and you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq.” Yeah, okay, he’s dissing Bush... what’s the big noise about?
“Bush said Kerry’s comments were ‘insulting’ and ‘shameful’ to U.S. troops“
Oh, that’s the big deal. You could interpret his comment as referring to the people actually doing the fighting, and not the ignoramus-in-chief who sent ’em there. According to Kerry's speechwriter the line was written “You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq,” which eliminates the ambiguity. Oh... so it was a misspeak. Which, um, m makes all the right wing outrage seem kind of... you know, glass houses, black pots and all that. I mean, if we’re going to start holding people responsible for their verbal gaffes, shouldn’t we start at the top?
“They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
GW Bush, August 2004.
I'm always happy when former Republicans... I could end the statement there, I suppose. This is from Frank Schaeffer, a conservative columnist for the Dallas Morning News, whose lethal dose came in the form of e-mail from the re-elect George Allen (R-Virginia) campaign:
"First, it was the Catholic priests, then it was Mark Foley, and now Jim Webb, whose sleazy novels discuss sex between very young teenagers. ... Hmmm, sounds like a perverted pedophile to me! Pass the word that we do not need any more pedophiles in office."
Right... because writing something in a novel is exactly the same as doing it in real life. (As Stephen King mentioned when we saw him in Seattle last week. The feds are no doubt teargassing his home right now.)
If you read the essay, Schaeffer says he's a Christian, but then strongly implies that the Bible is fiction. I'm not sure that's what he intended.
He also mentions “ very nice handwritten letters” he has from various members of the Bush family thanking him for his books. Which might be true, but also, I immediately suspect them of being fake handwriting, you know, a handwriting font. Maybe even a customized handwriting font based on the person’s actual handwriting.
Keith Olbermann channels Edward R. Murrow. He even signs off with "good night and good luck" -- maybe he always does. (Transcript, for people who would rather read than listen.)
Whether touch-screen voting machines are actually deliberate tools of evil, or just stupid, they are, you know, like I said, stupid. They seem to malfunction as a matter of course. According to this article from the Miami Herald
Broward Supervisor of Elections spokeswoman Mary Cooney said it’s not uncommon for screens on heavily used machines to slip out of sync, making votes register incorrectly. Poll workers are trained to recalibrate them on the spot -- essentially, to realign the video screen with the electronics inside. The 15-step process is outlined in the poll-workers manual.
So, I urge you to choose the lesser evil and vote for Democrats on Tuesday, because I think a Democratic majority in Congress is our best chance for housecleaning, clock-cleaning, and crazy-Bush-agenda-blocking.
But if you just can’t bring yourself to do that, for whatever reason, I’d urge you to consider at least doing a vote-the-bums-out approach. You can do it! Choose the devil you don’t know!
